Construction Paper Blues

The school year's off to a great start....with two little girls who absolutely love school.  Sure, there have been bumps in the road: trying to figure out a morning routine that works efficiently, Rachel's extreme exhaustion which produces horrible tantrums, trying to figure out new and different things to pack in lunches that the girls will actually eat....but they are loving it.

And me?  While I can't say I don't often relish the quiet mornings spent playing or running errands with Daniel, or the even quieter afternoons while he is napping, a month later I am still missing my girls.  Missing them, and all the time we used to have together.

This afternoon I came down to the basement to get something and was absolutely laid flat by the silliest thing.  I spotted a pile of construction paper on the floor, waiting to be put away, as yet unused. I have walked by that pile of construction paper many times (yeah, I know I should just pick it up and put it away!), but this time, it caused a visceral and immediate reaction in me.  I felt a sudden and overwhelming grief.  Today, to me, that unused pile of construction paper served as a reminder of all the things I meant to do with the girls but didn't.  All the craft projects, the rainy afternoons spent doing fun and creative things together.

How many afternoons in recent memory did I send Rachel back up to her room to continue her "quiet time" for just a little bit longer so I could get "one more thing" done?  What I should have done is taken that opportunity to spend some one on one time with her, dropping whatever it was I just HAD to get done, in favor of some quality time.  Because the funny thing is, often when I am ready and have the time for "quality" time, the girls are not.  I am learning (too late, perhaps) that you have to take those moments when children present them to you, rather than trying to create them on an adult timetable.  

Now, here we are in October....both the girls are in school from 8 am to 4 pm, with homework and activities after school, and busy times on weekends.  I feel like I've missed my window.  The girls aren't so little any more, and I am noticing that more and more, it takes more than a simple craft or game with Mom to "wow" them and keep their interest.  Even if given the time, will they even want to make a batch of play dough, dyed a sickening shade of purple; or make those puff-ball, google eyed, glittery creatures; or just sit and color with me?  I know with time and as they grow, we will create new ways of spending quality time together.  But right now, today, I am missing the simple, little girl things we used to do and seem to no longer have much free time to engage in now.

And sure, I know that their young lives have been filled with many, many fun times together with me and as a family, and many happy memories made of big outings and of small moments at home, tucked together on the couch reading or just being.  I know that the times I've said "yes" when they've asked to do something with me far outnumber the times I've said "no."  I've tried to be an intentional parent in that way.  But for now, for today, I'm feeling a loss and mourning it.  All because of a pile of construction paper.

I hope Daniel likes crafts..... :)